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搞笑英語(yǔ)劇本
搞笑英語(yǔ)劇本（一）
演員表：
西門吹雪
葉孤城
花滿樓
king
旁白
道具：牛奶兩袋，匕首一把，戒子一枚，紙屑若干。
第一幕：決戰(zhàn)紫荊城之顛
旁白：A quiet village is covered with white snow .
Birds are dancing in the cold .
A man is walking along the street ,step by step .
Wind is coming in silence.
Another mysterious man approaches .
Y與X相遇。
X:oH ,I am sorry to knock you !
Y:Haha, Never mind baybay.
X:Excuseme, who are you on earth? could you tell me your name?
Y:ha ha ,I won’t change my name! no matter what happens. I’m the most famous-------YeGucheng. Who are you?
X:I am ximenchuixue.
Y驚訝：Ar, ximenchuixue?
X:Yes,what is wrong?
Y:I heard that you are the besting MartialArts?
X:Great, youknowme !
Y抱腿：Please, please…… Don’t kill me! let me you go!
X:No, I must kill you !
Y:Idon''''''''''''''''twant to be killed.There are a eighty-year-old mothe and a three-year old son to be looked after by me!
X:Noway! Because we are fightin gnow!youknow?
Y突然站起冷冷的說(shuō)：Don''''''''''''''''t force me!
X:Pardon!
�。╕拿出一袋牛奶）
X搶過(guò)牛奶：milk, verygood! I like drinking it. how do you know that?
Y:please drink it!
X喝完牛奶：Thanks, ha,ha
Y:Do you still want to kill me?
X:Sure, must! milk is milk.
Y（惱怒+冷酷）：Verygood! verygood! I hope you will not forget what you said!?
X:I’m sure Iwon’t!
Y:I must give you a lesson!IfIdon''''''''''''''''t beat your his time, you’llneverbehaveproperly!3-2-1-0!
X捂著肚子，蹲下：Oach,Oach !
Y大笑：HaHa……
X可憐狀： help! help! Whereisthewashroom?
Y:What ?
X:Toliet?
Y:What ?
X:The "WC"?
Y:Oh,I see ,goalongthisstreetandturnrightwhenyouseeacorssingroad!
X:Thanks,byebye.
Y掏出紙屑吹：Thisisgenuirnesnow!
H:Stop!Protectingtheenvironmentisabasicobligation!
Y:Whoareyou?
H:Hua---man----lou! Haveyouseenximenchuixue?
Y:Yes, hewasbeatenbymeandisin"WC" now,ha……
H驚訝：Nowyouarethebestintheworld!
Y:Youareright!
H:Teriffic!youaretheonemykinglookingfor! doyouwantjoininus?
Y:Yes,It’sverygood.
H:Ok, followme, Let’sgotoseemyking!
Y:Ok,Let’s go!
第二幕：無(wú)間道
H:Mydearest ! letmeintroduce yeguchengtoyou! （指Y） thisisyegucheng.
K:sitdownplese, yegucheng.
H走到Y(jié)前，《婚禮進(jìn)行曲》起，H神甫狀：Yegucheng! Doyouwanttofollowmykingnomatterwhathappenssuchascold headache,sair and aids?
Y: Yes,Ido.
K: Huamanlou, come . puttheringonhisfinger!（音樂(lè)停）
X唱著上：Onlyyou……（看到戒子） thisringshouldbemine!
K:Butwhoareyou? whyshoulditbelongyou?
Y急切： king! dearking!Imustgonow,mybrotherislookingforme!huoxi（維語(yǔ)再見(jiàn)）
K:huoxi? Whatdoesthatmean? ItisnotEnglish, isn’t it ?
Y:How clever……
X冷酷：yegucheng! comehere!Iwanttotellyousomething!
Y抱X的腿：oldbrother ! Forgiveme!
X:Forgiveme? Why?
Y: Oncetherewasachangebeforeme,Ilostit. Ifthegodgivemeantherchance, I’lltellyou"I love you",Iftheremustbea limited period,Ihopeitisthousandyear!
X:Youshall cheat me!all you did are wrong!how can youtell thelady’s"WC"!
Y:Ilikegoinglady’s WC .I……I……IthinkthatyoulikewhatIlike.（Y又拿出一袋牛奶）
X: m-i-l-k?haha, ayixidailu!（我愛(ài)你的意思）
K: ayixidailu?What’sthemeaning? whyIalsocan’tunderstandyou?
X:Youarestupid! Itmeans"I love you".
K:Don’t saythat"you love me". I’llkillyouforyousayingdirtywordtome!
X:What? （側(cè)耳裝著聽(tīng)不到） You---kill----me?come, come…（X上去抓住K）
K:Imustkillyou!
X:Howcanyoukillme? haha……
Y:Letmehaveatry! 3-2-1-0（X捂著肚子，蹲下）
K: thankyouverymuch, yousaveme. Now, I’llgiveyoutheticketforAmericantoletyou
haveavacation.
Y:That’s good. butthereisonemorething. canyougivemea MM ?IwanttogoAmericanwithher.
K:ofcouse.Youaretheonewhohasthesimilartastewithme! Hahaha……
Y:Hahaha-----
H:Where’ssomewhere?
K:What?
Y:Doyouwanttogolady’s"WC"?
X:Yes,I……I…… do.
H頂著搖頭：X,no, no, youcan’tgotoLady’s "WC". Thatisnottheplacewhereyoucangointo ! becauseyouareX ! youarethe bestmanofChinesekongfu!
X: whatifI’mthebestintheword? !whyItrymybesttolivebutI’mstillsomiserable ? whencanIgetmyfreedom? mustbethedeadday ? !
K: youareright. onewillnotbecleveruntilthedayhedie. Inthatcase ,whywill you die in such a bad sorrow way !gointo theLady’s WC , thendie , comfortablly ! goahead !
H: you , stupid , bad behavior ! goaway !
K; why ? whydoyouhelphim ! whoacturallyareyou ?
H: myreal name isLuXiaofeng------the wifeofX .I’maspy.
K驚訝： !you---you---YouareLuXiaofeng ? X’wife ?
Y: Ihavealreadyrecognizedyou . atricker ! doyouknow, youarethefirst person who cheated me ! because of you ,Ideeide never believe anyone else ,including myself .you have destroyed my looking for you for many years ,just for today ! （輕聲說(shuō)）Xwilldie ,goandseehim ,please .
H撲倒在X的身邊：X,do’t die ,you should be alive ,there are much hope inthe fature and tomorrow is a goodbeginning !
K:what amoving story !I was impressed !
Y:life is a progress ,but it is depressed that it can not resume !
H: life isa progress ,and it is delight that itneedn’t resume !
�。℉忽然將一把匕首插進(jìn)Y的心臟，K嚇跑。音樂(lè)《再見(jiàn)，警察》起）
Y痛苦狀：don’tleave me here , you know I love you and I have nothing except you now ,please notabandon me !realizethat I’m wrong .help me,I intend to be back ,helpme ,I keyyou ,beg you------help me . I’ll never dothat again !（Y死，音樂(lè)停）
�。╔咳，H撲到身邊，電影《我的父親母親》原聲音樂(lè)起）
H: X , oh , no ,you can’t die ,we will go home together .
X:gohome ! ?
H:Tomorrow is another day !evenyou have thelast secondto live,youshould be alive ,not only for me , but for ourlove !
X:doyouwant melivealifeinsuchasorrow way ? ok , ok , Ipromise I willbealive for you .but !youknow, Ihavenot timeleft ,but you have ,promisethatyou will be happy everyday !Youmustdome this honor… promise meyou will survive… that youwillnevergiveup… nomatter what happens… no matter howhopeless… promise me now ,andnever let go of that promise.
H: I promise .
X:Never let go .
H:Ipromise . Iwill never let go ,
X.I''''''''ll never letgo.
H:be alive !yeah , bealive ! bealivewithout ahendance !lifecanbechanceliketimecangotoback . thereisbeatifulsnowbutinsping , solifecancomefromthebeginning !
搞笑英語(yǔ)劇本（二）
人物：農(nóng)夫，兔子A,兔子B,大樹。
農(nóng)夫：I’m a farmer.（稍停頓）[走兩步]A cool farmer.（掏出墨鏡戴上）[冷酷地走兩步，突然被絆了一跤，繼續(xù)保持冷酷]Eh…When I was yong,I studied in Xu~~~~chuan Middle School.So, I’m rich now![開(kāi)始展示名牌，邊說(shuō)邊掏]Look!This is my modern mobile——Nokia WC 250!This is my watch!This is my MP3!These are my shoes——（夸張低沉地）ADIDAS!This is… [不經(jīng)意地掏出一個(gè)蘋果]Oh,sorry.[扔掉蘋果]It’s this![從懷里掏出癢癢撓] Do you know what’s this?癢癢撓？No no no~~You are out!!It’s my modern——鋤頭~!![看下表] It is time to do some farming![開(kāi)始彎下腰做出鋤地的動(dòng)作]
樹：I’m a tree!I can do many things!I can sing![做出瘋狂搖滾歌手的動(dòng)作，哼哼哈西！��！]I can dance![跳四小天鵝] Oh?There comes a rabbit! [引導(dǎo)觀眾看兔子A）。樹站回后臺(tái)]
兔子A:OK,I’m a rabbit. Now I’m just walking around here.
[農(nóng)夫繼續(xù)鋤地，邊鋤邊上場(chǎng)，突然看見(jiàn)前面有個(gè)兔子]
農(nóng)夫：（驚喜地）Lunch![扔掉癢癢撓]I will catch it! [偷偷摸摸地跟到兔子后面走]
[農(nóng)夫跟在兔子后面。兩個(gè)人走啊走。兔子突然回頭。農(nóng)夫假裝看手表。兩人繼續(xù)走。兔子回頭。農(nóng)夫假裝看天氣。兩人繼續(xù)走。兔子回頭。農(nóng)夫假裝打手機(jī)。兩人繼續(xù)走，兔子回頭。這次農(nóng)夫冷酷地把槍口對(duì)準(zhǔn)了兔子。]
兔子A:Wahhhh~!（嚇一跳）What do you want?
農(nóng)夫：Huh…！I will kill U for lunch!
兔子A: Wah~~~~~~ [兔子跑，躲到樹后面，農(nóng)夫追到樹前]
農(nóng)夫：Where~ to go? Haha!
[農(nóng)夫開(kāi)了一槍"砰"（配音）。兔子在樹后驚慌躲閃，沒(méi)被打到。樹做出受傷中彈狀。 農(nóng)夫又開(kāi)槍，同上。 農(nóng)夫開(kāi)始加快頻率，火力密集地開(kāi)槍。兔子開(kāi)始時(shí)驚慌躲閃，躲著躲著跳起舞來(lái)。樹繼續(xù)痛苦中彈狀。]
兔子A[自我陶醉中，邊跳舞邊說(shuō)]You can't hurt me! You can't hurt me!
樹：[痛苦萬(wàn)分地]But…you…Hurt me…[痛苦地慢慢挪動(dòng)到兔子背后]
[兔子繼續(xù)興奮地跳舞。農(nóng)夫停止開(kāi)槍，走到兔子面前，看著它。 兔子猛然抬頭發(fā)現(xiàn)]
農(nóng)夫：Ah ha~! Bye bye ! [舉槍對(duì)準(zhǔn)兔子，開(kāi)槍，沒(méi)聲音，看看槍，示意沒(méi)子彈了。兔子見(jiàn)狀，非常興奮地大笑起來(lái)]
兔子A:Ha ha ha ha! You can’t kill me now! [興奮大笑，笑到抽筋，笑到后仰。突然頭撞倒了后面的樹] Wa ![倒地]
農(nóng)夫：OH! [很興奮地過(guò)去兩個(gè)手指提起兔子]My lunch , I caught you !!! [把兔子綁到樹上。打呵欠]tired! I’ll eat you after sleeping.[倒地睡覺(jué)]（打鼾的聲音）
兔子A:[兔子很快醒了，看看四周，發(fā)現(xiàn)自己被綁了，很驚訝]Where am I? What happened?
樹：[指著農(nóng)夫]He has caught you and wants to eat you.
兔子A:What?! I must leave here! But how can I escape?[東張西望，看到農(nóng)夫的手機(jī)]A mobile![解開(kāi)繩子去看手機(jī)]It’s Nokia WC 250! Wow,how fashion![放回原處。又自覺(jué)地把自己綁在樹上。 突然想起來(lái)]A mobile!Maybe I can call some one to help me! [又不知不覺(jué)地把自己放出來(lái)，那起手機(jī)][做出打電話的樣子] （配音：撥電話） Hello?
兔子B:Hello!It’s Jenny.
兔子A:Hey Jenny!
兔子B:Oh,hey Mary!
兔子A:How are you?
兔子B:Fine,thank you.And U?
兔子A:I’m fine too!How are your parents?
兔子B:They are fine,thank you.And U?
兔子A:They are fine,too!How is your uncle?
兔子B:He’s fine,thank you!And U?
兔子A:He’s fine , too! How…
兔子B:Eheheh~wait.But why do you call me? If you want borrow some money from me…NO WAY!!!
兔子A:No no no!I’m in danger now!Come and help me!!!
兔子B:But where are you?
兔子A:I’m under a tree!
兔子B:[邊打電話邊在附近走，經(jīng)過(guò)兔子A面前，兩個(gè)人還沒(méi)發(fā)現(xiàn)]What can you see around you?
兔子A:I see a rabbit …that looks exactly like you!
兔子B:A rabbit…like me… OK!I’ll find you.Just a second!Wait for me! I will help you! [匆匆離開(kāi)]
[兔子A 打完電話，小心翼翼地把手機(jī)放回農(nóng)夫處，然后又很自覺(jué)地要把自己綁回了樹上]
兔子A:Haha!My friend will come and save me~!yeah! [興奮過(guò)度，后仰，頭又撞倒樹上，倒地]（虛弱地）Oh!Hurt! Call 110~Or 119?112?…Oh,forget it!I’m dying![作喉嚨卡住聲音，死去]
[兔子B上。]兔子B:I’m also a rabbit!I’m smart! I’m lovely! And I’m （作風(fēng)情萬(wàn)種）beautiful! （自我陶醉）[轉(zhuǎn)頭看自己右手邊，卻發(fā)現(xiàn)兔子A倒在地上]Oh,my!Mary![伏在兔子A身上]（哭聲）I’m so sorry,Mary!I’m too late!5555555~~~~~~Mary![痛苦而夸張地轉(zhuǎn)身敲打樹]
樹：Oh!Oh,don’t hit me.!Don’t hit me!I’m ~~brea~ken![朝地上倒，壓倒兔子B]
兔子B:What?NONO!~~…I…can’t…breath……（
[農(nóng)夫一覺(jué)醒來(lái)。看見(jiàn)兩只兔子] En?Two rubbits! I rememer I have caught just one?!Oh,thanks god!How lucky I am![興奮地一手提一只兔子，哼著小曲下場(chǎng)]
搞笑英語(yǔ)劇本（三）
Justice Is The Winner（正義必勝）
by Cecilia Liu 劉怡芬
5人短劇。搞笑的匪徒，搞笑的綁架案，不錯(cuò)的劇本。
人物
Bunny Cheng: Bunny Chen
Eliza Lin: Daughter
Celine Tu: Reporter et Aside
Sano Hsieh: Small gangster（小流氓）
Trent Cheng: Big gangster（大流氓）
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE I
A mother is doing exercise in the living room when the phone is ringing. And her daughter is in the school now.
Mom: Hello~
Caller: （A boy is crying.） Ha! Your kid is here. Do you hear his voice? If you want to save your kid, prepare the ransom.
Mom: Are you crazy? I don’t have a son!!! Don’t try to cheat me. Stupid guy!
The mother is very angry and hung up the phone. But later… the phone is ringing again…
Mom: Hello~
Caller: Hello~ Are you busy now?
Mom: （I recognize the voice.） You are a fraud, right? Do you want to trick me again? Is it fun? Don’t do such a boring thing, O.K.? I won’t believe you.
Caller: Really? Listen to this.（A girl is crying on the phone, "mom, help me~ help me~）
Mom: Oh~ you are a good actor. This time is better but I still won’t fall into your trap to rob me of my money! If you call again, I will call the cop. Do you understand? （Hang up the phone more angrier.）
But the voice sounds like her daughter’s and the mom is not disturbed. She decides to go to the elementary school to see her daughter. The mom got there…
Mom: Eliza~
Eliza: Mom~ why you are here? Are you missing me? Do you come here to pick me up?
Mom: Ya~ are you happy in the school? Let’s go home. I want to tell you something on the way home.
Mom tells Eliza about the phone scam and wants her to be careful from now on.
SCENE II英語(yǔ)劇本大全ww.coffbar.com
Because the mother didn’t believe the two gangsters really kidnapped her kid, the gangsters were furious. So they decided to kidnap her daughter this time.
The gangsters have found the school her daughter studies in, and observed for many days. Today is the day they plan to kidnap the child.
The big gangster always focuses on what he’s doing but the small gangster is usually absent-minded.
Big gangster: Hey! Concentrate!! （The big gangster hit the small gangster’s head）
Small gangster: Ouch! O.K. O.K.
At this moment, the girl appears.
Small gangster: （Check the picture.） Hey!! Buddy!! Look! Is that her?
Big gangster: Ha! Ha! Ha! It’s hunting time.
Small gangster: I’m so excited!! Oh~ what a beautiful girl. Just like a fairy. My sweetheart… Buddy do you know? I feel that I get butterflies in my stomach!
Big gangster: （Hitting the small gangster’s head again.） Hey! Wake up!! Stop day-dreaming. Let’s make a move!
Small gangster: Oh~ my baby~ I’m coming!!
Big gangster: Hey!! Lady!! Can you do me a favor?
Eliza: Sure! What can I do for you?
Small gangster: （Murmuring） This beautiful lady has a beautiful heart.
Big gangster: Sorry. Ignore what he said.
Eliza: Never mind!
Big gangster: Thanks! I want to go to Tunghai University. Do you know how can I get there?
Eliza: Oh… you should go straight until the traffic light, then turn right until you see a convenience store at the corner and turn left. Keep going straight and you would see the university.
Big gangster: Go straight until the first traffic light, turn right and we will see a supermarket at the end of the street. And…
Eliza: No! No! No! Go straight until the traffic light, then turn right until you see a convenience store at the corner and turn left. Keep going straight and you would see the university.
Small gangster: Go straight until the first traffic light, then turn left and go straight to the end of the street, then we can see the university.
Eliza: Oh, my! No! Wrong again! You two are really a stupid guy.
Big gangster: It’s too complex. I can’t remember all the directions. I’m a foreigner. And I have an important presentation there. Could you go with us, guide us there? Please~
Eliza was confused. But she is a kind person and she likes to help people.
Eliza: Umm… let me think… okay!! Let’s go!
Small gangster: How kind of you!! My little girl.
Big gangster: Sorry. Just ignore him. Thank for your help.
Eliza goes with the gangsters.
In the gangsters’ car, the small gangster suddenly shows a sharp knife. And shouts, "Don’t move!" Eliza is shocked and starts screaming.
Eliza: What are you doing?
Small gangster: I’m kidnapping you!
Eliza: Oh~ I am so scared.
Small gangster: （Talk to the big gangster.） Did you hear that, she is scared?
Big gangster: Ya~ we are professional.
Eliza: Not funny! I’m hungry. I want to go home! I want to go home!
Small gangster: Shut up. Don’t be so noisy!
Eliza keeps crying.
Small gangster: You! Get out of the car!
Big gangster: （Hit the small gangster angrily!） Idiot! I have a stupid partner. （Disappointed）
Eliza: I agree! （Nod head.）
Big gangster: Don’t cry baby, I give you a lollipop.
Eliza: Thank you. How kind of you.
SCENE III
Mother is preparing dinner.
Mom: Eliza! Eliza! Time for dinner! I’m hungry! Hurry up!
No one answers her. And she realizes there is something wrong.
Mom: Eliza, where are you? Don’t play hide and seek with me! It’s not funny. I’m hungry.
As the mother is finding her daughter, the phone rings.
Mom: Hello~ this is Anderson. I’m busy finding my daughter. Don’t bother me!
Big gangster: Are you finding your daughter? Ha! Ha! Ha… she is right here.
Mom: Good job! Tell her it’s time for dinner. I’m hungry!
Big gangster: Hey! You are clueless. I have already kidnapped your daughter, Eliza Anderson!
Mom: Hey! Buddy! Don’t trick me!
Big gangster: Sure! Listen! （The gangster takes the phone to Eliza.）
Eliza: Hello! Mom! I’m here! They are so kind. They gave me a lollipop.
The gangster takes the phone away.
Big gangster: Do you believe me now? If you want your daughter to come back for dinner. You have to prepare the ransom of NT $ 20,000,000.
Mom: Too expensive! 20% off.
Big gangster: Are you buying clothes?
Mom: Bargain is my hobby.
Big gangster: No negotiation you should bring the ransom to Tunghai Lake at 8:00 pm. And remember don’t call the cop. Or you will find your daughter in the lake.
Mom: O.K. See you then!
At Tunghai Lake. The gangsters and Eliza are baking fish from the lake because they are hungry. At this time, the mother is coming.
Mom: Ha! （Mom shouts.）
The gangsters and Eliza are shocked. And the small gangster’s fish is falling down on the floor.
Small gangster: Oh,! My fish! Who’s there?
Mom: It’s me, Bunny Anderson, Eliza’s mother, Anderson’s wife. Where is my daughter? Release my daughter.
Eliza: Hi! Mom, I’m here. Do you want to come here to eat fish?
Big gangster: Where is the ransom?
Mom: Release my daughter first!
Big gangster: Give me the ransom first!
Mom: No way!
And the battle begins.
Mom: Justice is always the winner.
Eliza: Oh~ Yeah! Mom, you win!
Celine: Ha! I got it! I got it! A new…… headline.
Celine: I am at Tunghai Lake. Earlier, there was a violent fighting. A watermelon knife V.S. A B.B.Q. fork. According to the witnesses, a mother fought with the gangsters for her daughter. And the mother won. Now, let’s interview the persons involved.
Celine: Do you feel regretful? Do you feel sorry to this society?
Small gangster: I……
Celine: I…… I know. You are very sorry and regretful. How about you? （Turn to the big gangster.）
Big gangster: None of your business. （Run to the wall.） Leave me alone.
Eliza: Me! Me!
Celine: What do you want to say?
Eliza: Uh…My mom is so cool. She came to save me!
Mom: My turn. My turn.
Celine: O.K. O.K. What do you want to say after winning the fight?
Mom: Well……
Celine: Well, you are very happy and proud of yourself to be the winner in the battle.
Mom: Yes. And the gangsters…
Celine: Oh, the gangsters are very stupid and silly.
Mom: Right. And they…
Celine: They want to trick you, but…
Mom: But… enough. I’m hungry. I want to go home with my daughter.
Celine: Next time, if you receive a phone call from a scam artist, here are the things you can do to avoid being tricked. First, stay clam and be skeptical about it. The caller hopes to fool you with a moving story, causing you to forget your good judgment. A little doubt can protect you. Second, verify the story. Call the organization to make sure the story is true. Third, report it to the police. And don’t deal with the villains on your own. One phone call will often expose a trap quickly. However, to tell the truth, the mother is really very brave. She is my idol. I want to keep her sign. This is reporter Celine reporting from Tunghia Lake for TVAS.
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